I think this is a good word to describe how I have been feeling lately..
/ˈmɛlənˌkɒli/ Show Spelled [mel-uhn-kol-ee] Show IPA noun, plural -chol·ies, adjective
1. a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression.
2. sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.
Why? It isn't just one thing really.. it is many things.. I am not comfortable with my physical appearance.. and that is a big part of it.. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror.. sounds shallow I am sure.. but it is what I feel.. My age is more obvious in my face day by day.. the fact that I have been unable no matter how hard I have tried to lose this weight.. I mean if 5 months with a trainer can't make me lose a single pound.. and counting calories to the point of frustration for 9 months and only losing about 5 pounds.. I admit, I have given up.. I am tired..
Tired of counting calories... tired of portion control.. tired of trying.. but also tired of being fat.. and tired of hating myself.. I was in a great place before I got pregnant with Alora...I was happy with my figure.. I looked good in pictures without wearing a girdle.. but this isn't all...
I have noticed more and more hair on my face as time has gone on.. I have ignored it.. it was blond hair.. so i ignored it.. today I had enough... I waxed and plucked what was almost a full beard.. my husband doesn't even grow as much hair on his face as I do.. I feel like crying... but now for the first time in since I cannot remember when.. I do not have so much hair all over my face.. I wish that made me feel better.. but it doesn't..
He said to me the other day.. what do YOU do all day? The problem is.. he is right.. I don't do anything... I am just... here.... I am a nobody.. I have no job.. I don't even want a job.. I have no desire... no motivation.. no driving force.. I would stay in this house and never leave again and it wouldn't affect me I don't think... I prefer to have friends that come to me because I am just that lazy..
The one thing that I absolutely love doing .. and have an aching to do.. I cannot.. because I cannot make any money at it.. there is too much competition.. I do not want to fight with other people for customers.. so I have given up that in a way also..
The field that I have trained and studied for .. for 4 years of my life.. because I want to be a counselor.. I still cannot.. I have to go to school for another 2 years to do that.. I am tired of school.. I am tired of stupid teachers that try to make themselves feel better by grading unfairly.. Don't get me wrong.. I made straight A's in college.. except for in Math class..lol.. but there were a couple papers I should have had much higher scores on.. and that is not just me being snide.. my teacher very literally picked out a word that she didn't like in my paper.. and took off points for it.. nothing that was against APA or that ruined the flow of the paper.. just a word that she didn't like personally.. so yeah..
Anyways...so.. I guess that is it.. you know the funny thing is .. not too long ago I felt pretty happy about my life.. then I asked Kris if he was happy.. he said.."for the most part" .. .. .. I have to say.. it kinda crushed me.. as dramatic as that sounds.. he said it only had to do with his work life.. but that is hard for me to believe.. for many reasons.. that I will not divulge in this all too public post.
The one thing I can say that I am still very happy about is being a Navy Wife... I didn't think I would enjoy it.. but I do.. I am proud of Kris being a sailor.. I am proud to be his wife.. I just wish that he were more proud of what he does instead of always wanting to be doing something else.
I remember our life before the navy.. he was working two jobs.. and they both sucked.. I remember when I was working... and how much it sucked.. how everyday I was worried if tomorrow I would have a job.. I hate that insecurity.. I know that soon I will be forced to go back to that life.. and I am scared.. it makes me want to start college again now.. but I missed so much being in college the last 4 years.. I don't want to do it again till my kids are in school.. plus .. I really hate school.. lol..
Well.. this turned out super long.. but that is what happens when I have so much to say I suppose..
So.. there it is... some insight into me.. during my melancholy days... I get this way sometimes..