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Thursday, May 13, 2010

Just a few thoughts...

My life has been a mixture of good and bad... in the past when I was growing up, it was more bad than good.. Nowadays.. it is more good than bad..and I am so thankful for that.

I have friends that have been my friends for years, I have new friends who will be my friends for years to come. I have great kids, (most of the time..lol) a wonderful husband (again most of the time.. lol) and wonderful friends.

It is hard to imagine that only a few years ago things were so much different. There were people I had known for a long time, but I didn't really consider them "friends". There wasn't anyone that I really talked to .. even my relationship with my Dad was pretty non-existent and with my sister it was completely non-existent. I wanted all of that to change, but I wasn't sure how.. I can tell you that the biggest thing that changed in my life back in 2005 was ME .. yep.. ME... How could I expect someone to want to be friends with me if i was always in a bad mood and always negative.. I mean would you really want someone like that around you? I know i wouldn't..
So .. how did I change.. well.. it started with going back to College.. I started taking my classes and then came my Human Service Ethics class... the absolute best class I have ever taken! What a revelation this class gave me! During the class I was required to read a book called " I never knew I had a choice" it was the best book I have ever read! This book was about looking within yourself and finding out why you are the way you are. What is causing it.. and how you fix it! I realized that the anger I harbored for things that occurred in my past was only hurting me.. I learned how to be happy! Yes, you can learn how to be happy!

You know, it is amazing the transformation i have made, and am still making.. If you ask the people that met me in 2005 and prior to that year, they will tell you that their first impression of me, was that I was a Bitch.. and I hated hearing that.. but it was true.. that is how i portrayed myself.. even when i didn't mean to..
Recently I have spoken to my friends (yes i have some wonderful friends now) and asked them what their first impression was of me.. and to my surprise.. it was that i was a nice person, sweet, or friendly.. and they couldn't believe that others thought of me as a bitch! I couldn't believe my ears! lol.. I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be.. the outgoing friendly person whom others are comfortable being around! I attribute this to the work that I have done on myself.. guided by that book I mentioned earlier, and my faith in GOD.. remember GOD helps those who help themselves.. so when I started helping myself.. he sure did push me in the right direction.. :)

I am not sure why I am posting this, I guess I just felt the need to express some of my Joy in the written word.. and let everyone know that you do not have to be unhappy.. get that book! read it! and do the work inside yourself and you will see a change that you will love! You don't have to be religious to be happy.. find the person that you were meant to be.. a happy person..

My Best Forever Friend Nicole & I

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mother's Day

Why I Hate Mother's Day----For me this day is not a symbol of myself becoming a mother (even though that is what it should be) Instead, this day symbolizes the thing i will never have... a mother. My own "mom" has treated me like second best since my brother was born when I was 6. She has blamed my sister and I for everything that has gone wrong in her life and actually believes that these things are our fault.. I tolerated her cruelty for many years but in 2002 when she did something unforgivable that involved my child that ended it. I decided to no longer let her be a part of my life, since she was never a good part of it you would think it would be a happy moment. However, no matter how evil a mother is ..it is hard to let go of the need to have your mother in your life. I have forgiven her for my own sanity for the things she has done, but that does not bring me any closer to understanding them. Sadly although I have not had contact with her in 7 years (other than when i called her during a hospital stay to say i love you) she still manages to say bad things about me. Yes, she has continued to talk down about me to my sister even though i am not in her life. She did this via email that my sister then sent to me. My sister and I have only recently become friends.. it has taken years of work to undo the brainwashing that Diane has put us both through .. she taught us to hate each other.. sad i know.. but true. Diane even once told heather a few years past that she had a "Nightmare that Heather and I became friends" yep.. exact words.. what kind of "mother" believes it to be a nightmare when her daughters are friends.. sigh..

So that is just a little taste of how this day upsets me. .. I always spend at least some time that day crying over what I have lost.. what I will never have.. and the fact that I can never change that... I do have twinges of jealousy over people that have mothers they can talk to .. that love them.. and want to go shopping with them.. or do anything.. Don't get me wrong though, I am extremely happy for the people that have this also.. I just wish that I could have it to.

I am lucky to have a wonderful MIL who enjoys doing things with me .. and as much as I love her, unfortunately that does not heal the wound left by the biological mother that i should have but do not. It has gotten easier over the years to live without Diane, as i am sure it will continue to get easier as more time passes.. but Mother's Day is that one day that makes it extra hard to live with. So there it is.. a little more insight into me..

I am so happy to be a Mother and know that my relationship with my children will never be the way that my relationship with Diane is and I am thankful for that. I pray that every mom out there can see how important their relationship with their children is and never have to deal with what i have.
So Happy Mother's Day to all the GOOD Mom's out there who care for their children and love them with all their heart. We are building the future with our love and I know one day when my kids are older, mothers day will be a special time to spend with them until then, i will try to work on myself and heal the hurt that was done long ago. Thankfully I have a loving husband, mil, and beautiful children to help me. <3