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Friday, August 28, 2009

Trip to CA

I don't know why but every time I have ever went on any trip I always wonder if it will be my last.. gothic I know.. but You never know what can happen.. car accidents and plane crashes seem to happen all to often .. so I try to let everyone I leave behind know how much I love them before I go.. I worry because I know that my two youngest children would not remember me if something were to happen to me.. So to all of my loved ones.. Kris, Tristan, Alora, Mcleod, and all of the others out there... I love you all and you have all been an important part of my life ... I am better for having known you, for being your wife and mother... I pray every moment that I am away from you that you are safe... I ask God to watch out for you all... I pray that he will bring me back to you safely..

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Frustrations

I don't know why but lately I have been rather irritable.... I assume it has to do with the fact that my husband is going to be leaving very soon and gone for a long time and the thought of having to do all of this alone is frustrating.. I hate being a single parent.. but that is the life we chose... sigh.. doesn't make it any easier I will tell you that.. In only two short days I will be leaving the love of my life to fly to CA alone... to pack all of our things and get them ready to be put into storage.. while I am there I will get to spend some time with some of the best friends I have ever had so i am really looking forward to it but then again.. I am dreading it cause that means less time with Kris.. :( .. He will fly in around the 3rd and we are going to head up to Vegas for a night.. so we can just relax in a room and enjoy each others company without thinking about all the work we have to do and the impending separation ... I am very thankful that I have some wonderful friends that are going to help me pack all of our junk... and I owe so much to them.. I think just writing this down has helped me a little.. I hate when I get this way...
Last night I recorded some video's of Kris talking to the kids.. it helps them to remember him and feel closer to him.. especially the youngest one.... I had him read a book on camera called Love you forever.. and I cried the whole time he read it... I will be playing that one for Alora as we are reading the book together at night.. I can never read it out loud myself cause I cry .... ( I know I am a big baby..lol)
Anyways.. I have a lot of work to do while he is gone.. getting myself back to an acceptable weight is #1 on my list.. I was only 10 lbs away when we left CA .. now .. well.. I am almost 20 lbs from my goal.. yeah.. I have been eating that much.. I did join the YMCA here which I admit i have not gone to in the past few weeks for wanting to spend time with Kris.. but I will be going once I get back to CA as that will be my main reprieve from having the kids 24/7 since they have free childcare..
Well this has just gone all sorts of ways into a bunch of rambling...
Just so you all know.. you are not alone... these random frustrations and moments of pointless anger that occur .. they happen to us all sooner or later.. but I can say for me that writing things down has always helped me to feel better and to let go of some of the things that are holding me down... that's all for now...

Thursday, August 20, 2009

They grow so fast....

Every time I look at my children I wonder where the time has gone.. My youngest child and only daughter is 11 1/2 months old and we will be having her first birthday party on Saturday... She has grown so fast.... She wears size 2 and 3 clothing, she walks, she says a couple words... and she communicates with me by pointing... and she just recently started waving hi... I can't believe this is the little baby I brought home last sept. My middle child has been going through a horrible stage where he whines about absolutely everything and drives me nuts... I remember when he was 2 and he was such a good kid.. he did everything he was told with ease.. I miss those days...
Although I love to watch them grow it saddens me to know that I will never have another baby and mine are growing up so fast.. now don't get me wrong .. I don't actually want another baby... I just miss having mine as cuddly little babies.. My oldest starts 4th grade this year... man that makes me feel old.. I remember when I was in 4th grade still! 2 of nieces are teenagers now.... it is crazy.. I don't know where all the time has gone.. the best thing I think that I do is take lots of pictures and videos to remember the kids as they are in every stage of their life... It is amazing how much they change.. my two oldest look nothing like the babies that I brought home from the hospital... and Alora is starting to resemble a toddler instead of a baby now..:(
Remember to treasure the time you have with your little ones because before you know it .. the time will be gone and they will be all grown up.. One of the reasons I decided to stop going to school after I finished my bachelors is because I want to spend more time paying attention to my kids instead of my school work... I want to enjoy them while I can... and the camera will be right by my side as I do.. and anyone that wants to can happily follow along and watch my babies grow...


Alora-- My youngest and only daugther.. as a baby





Alora -- Now



Tristan- My middle child as a baby








Mcleod-- My oldest son as a 2 year old.. (the youngest picture i have of him online)




My boys .. Now...



Monday, August 17, 2009

With every step...

With every step in life we set things into motion and change comes upon us.. do we embrace the change or avoid it? My life has been full of ups and downs and many many changes.. not all good but all important... Each change has led me to where I am now and to who knows where in the future.. .. but I have done some good things with what I have been given... Today I finished the last paper I may ever have to write for school .. meaning I don't know if I will go back and get my masters some day or not.. even if I do.. it won't be for at least four years when all the kids are in school... I finally have a bachelors degree.. and honestly that is something I never thought I would have so it is still a little surprising.. I have wanted to go into counseling for many years now.. and hopefully someday I will be able to ... right now though... I am going to be able to enjoy watching my kids grow up.. and further pursuing my photography career.... One day I hope to work at a high school or middle school as a counselor... but for most schools I believe that requires a masters so I will need two more years of school.. sigh.. Anyways.. back to my original thought...
Change helps us to develop ourselves as well rounded people.. but do you roll with the punches or curl into a ball and cry screaming I don't want this change and I won't do it...
Embracing change will help you to grow as a person and develop a sense of yourself that you may not have without it..
Leaving home for the first time.. which for me happened when I was very young.. is usually the first BIG change that people face.. barring some unforseen circumstance such as a parents divorce or death ... (the parents divorce also happened for me young)
But these changes can be good .. if we let them be good.. don't be afraid to wonder out into the world and develop yourself as a person.. you do not need other people to make you who you are.. I have met many people.. myself included that got caught up in a bad relationship at a young age and felt like the world was ending during the relationship and even after the relationship ended.. but that horrible relationship made me stronger.. and made me realize that I don't "need" anyone to make me happy.. I need to make myself happy...
Through many changes and struggles I have become a better person .. I hope that I continue to grow throughout my life..
I want to continue to learn everything that I can.. about life, love, and all the other subjects in the world that interest me... for When we stop learning.. We stop living...
Embrace the changes ahead.. and remember.. no change has to be gone through alone.. but you have to be willing to let people in to walk with you through it...

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Thoughts of the beyond

Like anyone else I think about death on occasion.. well while my nieces were here my middle niece asked me if I am afraid of dying....Which to say the least caught me off guard .. but I answered as honestly as I could.. I said yes... I am afraid of dying too soon.. leaving my loved ones.. I am afraid of my loved ones dying and leaving me here without them.... so much about growing old and dying frightens me... I wish I could say that my faith in God takes away all of my fear.. but it does not.... I pray about it but ... I especially pray for my children... and for my husband while he is away.. and not just away on deployment ... away from us anytime.. on his drive to work...or even a short trip to the store... I think that loving people makes the thought of death more scary... I see my grandparents growing old.. and losing memories... it scares me... I am afraid of forgetting.... I try to let everyone know in my life how much I care in the event that something does happen to me... I know this is kind of a gothic post ... but it is just one of the things I think about ... So I pray that anyone who has fears like I do .. will receive peace in their heart and mind.. and not be so afraid of what the future holds.. and to everyone.. I will pray for you always...

Saturday, August 15, 2009

A weekend with my nieces

It has been a good weekend.. exhausting .. but good... My dad and 3 nieces came to visit us.. got here on friday afternoon and we all went to lunch.. then the two teenagers and I went to the mall and did a little shopping for my middle niece.. since I had already taken the oldest shopping before... We had a lot of fun just walking around the mall and looking at stuff.. I just wish my right hip wasn't hurting me so much.. I really need to get that checked out... Anyways.. got home watched saw V ... then went to bed .. late... Today we went to the flea market .. then to the beach.. didn't stay at the beach long cause lightening storms were coming and the life guards told us to seek shelter..lol.. So we came home and I took my youngest niece shopping and Kris got everything ready for a bonfire and smores.. It was my first time having smores and I have to say they were very good! The kids seem to enjoy the smores too.. but were a little bored.. oh well .. I enjoyed it.. got to spend some time sitting around and talking with Kris and Dad.... very enjoyable.. so now I am sitting here watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory and comtimplating going to sleep.. cause i am seriously tired! Sadly my dad and nieces are leaving tomorrow so we only had one full day to spend together ... but so is life.. I am hoping to see them again after I come back from CA. in september.. we shall see .. So anyways.. that is all for now...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

life or something like it...

I have been thinking a lot lately about life and how quickly it flies by us... It seems to me that we live many different lives... In our young years we think we know it all yet our mind has yet to develop the ability to comprehend the complexity of life.... We have bad attitudes and tell everyone that we know it all... Then a few years pass..... we learn more... we grow more... we change.... Through those changes we realize that there were several different lives we lived... The life we had in school with our friends and the parties... The life we had with each boyfriend or ex-husband... or even the different lives that we have as Navy Wives in each different state we live in.. .. One day we look back and those lives seem so far away... seems like someone else lived them.. and if you really think about how much you have changed... I guess someone else did live them.. I know that I am no longer the person I was even 5 years ago... and I am glad of that... I have changed so much for the better... I have grown into a happier person... a more mature person... more understanding... I hope that when I look back at myself in a few years I can once again say that I have grown... and that this life seems so long ago...
Think about it... what lives have you lived .....

The Move

Well, soon I will be making a trip back to CA. to pack up all of our things and put them in storage so that I can live in Florida for the next few months. It is kinda scary thinking about staying here where I don't really know anyone ... but it is what it is and we need the money.. When we go back to CA in Jan. I will be getting a new apt. that costs less so that we can save some more money... It is kinda weird that I dislike CA so much but I am really looking forward to going back .. but I guess that is just cause that is where all of my friends are.. luckily most of them will be transferring up to washington with us.. who knows were we will go from there.. the great thing I know is that we will not lose touch even though the navy will separate us all to soon... So anyways, on August 29th I will be flying back to CA without the kids.. yep... it will be the longest time in almost 4 years I have been away from them! I have not had this much time to myself since before tristan was born! What is even better is I will get almost 4 whole days with Kris in SD after he flys in! It is going to be nice to spend some real time with him and not have to worry about the kids.. A couple of my awesome friends are going to come over and help me pack up all my stuff too.. I couldn't ask for better friends. they have done so much for me already... I don't think i could ever truly repay them... well.. that is all for now..
Pamela

New Blog

Well, I am not exactly new to blogging. However, I am new to making my blog completely public. I am a navy wife and have been through a couple deployments before .. but this one will be our longest time apart and I thought maybe sharing my thoughts on things with others might help the time go by a little quicker. We have a daugther who is 11 months old today.... she is the light of my life and daddy's little girl.. I don't know how she is going to handle him being gone for so long and it scares me.. I want to make sure that she will remember him when he gets home by playing videos of him talking to her and keeping pictures of him around.. but it still scares me that it will not be enough as I know that it does him also. So anyways, I am not sure what my blog is going to be about in the future.. most likely very random accounts of various things that we are doing but here it is none the less...