Friday, December 31, 2010

A New Me????

This year has been a mix for me... I have lived in 3 different states.. started out with a deployment.. dealt with a couple more small ones... and random other things....

In the process of moving from Ca. to Wa. I have lost my self control and gained about 9 pounds... which makes me very sad... but I am also at a point where it is hard to care.. I am miserable about the way I look but also miserable about how much I have to control my food intake to look anywhere near halfway decent..

I have no motivation to exercise whatsoever, I have never enjoyed exercising.. ever.. I used to do it a lot when I was younger.. but now i find myself avoiding it at all costs... I tell myself to do things.. but then I never do... I know I can't be fat and happy, but I also cannot be so constricted and happy too.. talk about sad.. .Ok.. so I am not going to make a resolution to exercise more or lose weight.. cause I don't think that it would matter if i did.. but I can tell you that I do want to look better.. and surgery is definitely in the cards for my future. Yes, I am going to be that person.. cosmetic surgery to fix the only part of my body that I am not happy with...
I wear a size 4 in jeans that falls down if I do not wear a belt yet my stomach hangs over the top on all sides.. and I look disgusting ... unless of course I wear a girdle.. that is extremely uncomfortable.. but when i do that I have to wear my belt even tighter because my girdle is slippery and my pants fall down.. sigh.. Here you can see kinda what I am talking about... I was wearing a tight shirt over a lose one, hence the purple hanging out the bottom.. but because my shirt is black it hides better.. but you can still see the lump.. kinda.. i will get a better picture at a later date.

I do realize I am not huge, I am not trying to debate about this.. the fact of the matter is that my belly/spare tire hangs over ALWAYS and I hate it.. period.. I am not comfortable in any clothes unless they hide it.. and not many do.. I am perfectly happy with the size of EVERY other part of my body save for my middle..

I personally do not believe that any amount of exercise is going to make this better.. especially since I did actually work with a trainer for several months back in 2009.. and nothing happened... didn't even really lose weight when I was doing that.. it was depressing.. also I am sure the fact that I have had 3 c-sections and surgery to separate my uterus from my abdomen wall has not helped matters...

sooo... this year I will be working to save up some money so that I can have my microbody sculpting procedure done... and I am really looking forward to that..

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