Bending to his will.

On February 10th I was baptized. It was a very special moment in my life where I offered myself and my devotion to God. I have since felt his burdens placed on my heart to be a better person and a better neighbor. I have even started reading the bible. I had tried many times before but never gotten past the first few pages of genesis. I have also found a great app on my tablet called you version thanks to my great friend Lisa, which makes reading the bible so easy! It offers so many different versions you can find the one that is easiest for you to understand. It is great! Last night I had a not so great first time interaction with one of my neighbors. It ended with me feeling very angry. As I was taking a bath to relax afterwards God put it on my heart to go speak with said neighbor and clear things up. I avoided doing it and had determined to myself that I wasn't going to give in and bend. I told Kris about it and he said "I will tell you this, when God puts something on your heart it is usually better if you just do it." As much as I hate admitting he is right.. I know that is just what I needed to do. So I bent to God's will and went on over to speak with the neighbor. We worked things out and both apologized for last nights interaction. I am feeling much better.. a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I have felt more at peace in the past month than I have in well.. my entire life.

Basking in the Silence....

I am sitting here in silence while my daughter takes her nap and it feels good.. The quiet is comforting.. My life is comforting. As I look around at all the pictures on my walls I know how lucky I am. How much love I have.

Some people dread the moment that their lives become comfortable... or as they would describe it.. mundane.. repetitive.. I however bask in these times. I like the feeling of knowing tomorrow isn't going to explode in my face. At least in the sense that my husband & kids will not stop loving me. I know that not everything is a guarantee.. I know that bad things can happen.. I do worry about those things from time to time... but in the moments like this.. when I feel safe.. I feel love and comfort... I am truly happy.

I love having friends and family around me. I love meeting new people and doing new things.. But I also love being alone.. standing on a beach just breathing the warm, windy air.. Walking down a road taking in the world around me.. Driving down the street and looking at the scenery.. beautiful trees and flowers. Alone time is when I get to reflect on myself.. to learn more about me and the things I like. To be me as a person and not be anything else for anyone else around me.

When I am alone I am not a mother, wife, daughter, friend, or anything....I am just Pamela.. I don't have to be any of those other things.. I have a moment to breath where no one depends on me to say the right thing or read them a story.. fix a problem or take a picture, give a present or help with homework, it is just me.. no expectations.. no rules, no work.. just me. ..

I find many people have trouble with alone time.. maybe they are not comfortable with themselves.. or the silence.. I have found that these moments can be the most beneficial.. They make you want to be a better, wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, lover... everything..

Give yourself these moments.. Bask in the silence for a day.. enjoy time to yourself to just have you and your thoughts. Love yourself.. then you will be better able to love others.

School days & growing up fast.

As I sit here listening to my daughter play I think back to the time when she was too small to talk or play.... To a time when laying on my chest and looking up at me was all she wanted to do. I think back to the time when my middle son did the same things. Time has flown by and my middle son is now 6 and my daughter is 3.. those years have flown by too fast. I have tried my best to capture all of those sweet moments in my mind. Reading books, playing games, giving hugs and kisses...

Sadly I did not have all of those moments with my oldest son. .as a working mom then I did not have the time to watch him grow as I have had the privilege to do with my youngest two. I wish I could get those moments back.. but they are forever gone.. and now he is 12 years old.. taller than me.. and growing fast in height and attitude.. I do my best to keep him a grounded person .. but sometimes those preteen hormones get in the way. Time stands still for no one so hug them while you can and take many many pictures.. for when your memory fails you.. those pictures will not.

Now my little Tristan is in school.. spending much of his time away from home. I worry about him in this new school.. In this place that cares more about money than his education. I pray that I am doing enough for him. I ask him everyday how school is and if he learned anything.. most days I get the same "no" answer.. I pray that I can somehow keep him up to date on his learning in the 3 years we are here before we are able to find another duty station an hopefully better schools.

I have seriously been contemplating home schooling him because of how bad the schools are here. I know that I will be home schooling Alora when the time comes.. if for no other reason than to keep her from moving mid school year the way that Tristan has had to. He mentions frequently how much he misses his old school and how much he wants to go back. He had friends in his old school.. He loved his teacher.. I loved his teacher.. and now.. nothing.. the kids are mean.. the teacher is seriously lacking in ability.. and the school system doesn't care. sigh..

I know I won't be able to teach Mcleod.. he doesn't like to learn and I am not a very patient person so he will stay in school.. and I will do my best to help when he is home.. but that will mostly be his dads job.. since I don't do so well in math and that is usually where he needs the most help. Reading on the other hand.. I can help with that. :)

I know that I can help Tristan & Alora because they are still young and the things that they need to know I can do easily. I hope that I am able to give Alora the head start that she needs and have her reading and doing some math by the time she starts school.

So for everyone that teaches their kids.. I commend you.. For everyone that knows their limitations I commend you.. and for everyone who knows how quickly time can get away from us.. Hug your little one just one more time before bed.. they might not remember it.. but you will.

30 days of me- Day 29

Day 29 - hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Hopes, dreams, and plans for the next year.. hmm.. well we are planning to move again, to where, I do not know yet but it will happen. We plan to visit all the places Kris remembers from growing up in Washington and we plan to have Tristan start school in August. My dad is planning to fly here on the 4th of November so he can ride up to Washington with us.. It should be a great trip.

My hopes... I hope that my family stays healthy and safe.. I also pray for that...I hope that my nieces enjoy spending the summer with me as they will be with me for June through August and I cannot wait to see them! I hope that I can have a positive impact on the lives of others and make them smile. I hope that no matter where life takes us we will always be able to view things positively. I hope that my family and friends always know how much I love and appreciate them.

My dreams.. well.. I don't know that I really have any dreams.. I have more than I could have ever dreamed of right now... I have a wonderful relationship with a man that I love so very much, three great kids that drive me batty at times but are still great kids.. One of the best FF's that I could ever ask for .. and many other friends that I have grown even closer with in the past years..
So I will say my dream is to continue to meet new people, have a positive impact on them and even make some new friends along the way.

Fireproof

I just finished reading this book and I have to say it is one of the best books on marriage that I have ever read. I think everyone should work that hard to keep their marriage from falling apart. (there are always exceptions, like adultery & violence) Too many people give up on their marriage because "we just grew apart". I don't believe that excuse personally, I think that we have to choose to be with our spouse on a daily basis, choose to love them, choose to show them how much we care.

Don't get me wrong, I am no where near perfect and there are definitely things I am working on, but the thing is.. I am trying. People expect the other person to do all the work in the relationship and take no responsibility for the things that go wrong. Before you blame everything on your spouse, take a look at yourself.. If you work on you, then chances are your spouse will want to do the same. I know I have said this before but so many people ignore it.. communication is one of the keys! Tell the one you love how you feel, tell them about your day, no matter how stupid you might think it is. Share yourself with them, how will they know something is wrong, if you don't tell them?

Take responsibility, apologize (this one has always been hard for me, but i am getting better) when you are wrong, sometimes you need to apologize even when you aren't wrong! An apology doesn't necessarily mean saying you are wrong, it could mean saying "I'm sorry for the way you are feeling, or I am sorry that I hurt you".

A simple touch can go a long way. You know that crazy urge you sometimes get in the middle of an argument to just reach out and hug your spouse.. DO IT! They want you to! It really can melt away a lot of the stress and anger between you .. it can give you a renewed sense of the situation. It can replace the intimacy between you that arguments can steal. If you can't manage a hug, reach out and touch their hand, grasp it in yours, let your partner know that you care and that just because you disagree does not change your love or devotion. Trust me when a fight occurs it can chip away at those feelings.

Sit down, side by side, and talk, just talk, about everything. Go for a walk and share your insights, hopes, dreams, your love with one another. Renew your relationship daily through small gestures, don't let your love get lazy. I know I have been guilty of just sitting there when my husband comes home. Instead, get up and go hug your spouse! Let them know that they were missed! That can melt away some of the stress from their day and make them happy to be home!

Marriage is hard, it is work, and it is a commitment.

I implore everyone to read Fireproof and try The Love Dare! I know that it will change the way you look at things.

Marriage

It is amazing how marriage changes over the years..

In the beginning of our marriage things were rough.. and honestly I didn't know if we would stand the test of time, but things changed and we worked it out as we continue to do. Everyday isn't all peaches and cream (good thing to cause i don't like peaches :p) but we are happy.

We have learned that our marriage is the most important thing and putting each other before all else is what makes a great one. We are committed to each other and to making things work. I see so many marriages fall apart for one reason or another and it saddens me. I think most of the time people just take the easy way out.. they abuse their relationship to the point of no return.

I can tell you this, my past relationships definitely were not ideal. However, I did learn something from them although not everything I learned was good. I learned that trust is hard to come by and once that is gone, it is hard to get back. I learned that people will "forget" about their loved one in order to fulfill their primal desires. I learned that if you want to be with someone else you should leave the person your with rather than hurting them. I learned that communication is important and if you cannot talk to your spouse about everything then you will ache inside. I learned that most importantly, you cannot be happy in a relationship if you do not know who you are and depend solely on the other person to entertain, chauffeur you, guide you, or give you friends. You have to be a whole person with them or without them.

I think that one of the things that makes my marriage strong is that my husband and I choose to be together. We both know that we could make it in life without the other, but we choose each other instead. We have a love that I never knew could exist. We were drawn together in an amazing set of circumstances. Our love has grown by leaps and bounds over the years and I am enjoying the growth. Instead of growing apart, we are growing together. We share our likes, dislikes, fantasies, and random thoughts that come to us. We make each other laugh.. and I think that is very important. Laughter in my mind bonds people.. true laughter sets the heart free.

With all the trials and tribulations that Kris & I have faced in the past and will continue to face in the future, I believe that I can safely say we will see you 50 years from now, and we will still be holding hands as we hold each others hearts.

This was our very first picture together... December 2002




This was March 2010 over 7 years later... after his 3rd deployment. :)

30 days of Me- Day 8

Day 08 - a photo that makes you angry/sad

Ok, so I had been thinking about this one for awhile.. and there are probably lots of photos floating around that make me either angry or sad, or both..However, yesterday when I was going through our things thinning stuff out I came across a very old picture.. One of me when I was with my ex. This picture garnered a lot of emotion, mostly anger.



You can see that in the picture I am holding my face, that is because my ex had just hit me and thought it was funny so he took a picture of me. Yep, you read that right. He thought it was funny to hurt me, and btw, I was big because I was pregnant at the time. So this picture definitely makes me angry... but... it also makes me happy because that is no longer my life.. It is a past so distant that I don't much think of it anymore. I have a loving wonderful husband now that makes my life complete and I am very thankful for that.


As for a picture that makes me sad...well.. Most of the pictures that make me sad are a mixture of happy and sad... and most are of my children.. I am sooo happy to have them and look at their pictures.. but at the same time, they are growing up all too quickly before my eyes.

So here are just a few of my beautiful children, in no particular order.





These two pictures were taken on Easter 2008 .. the day Alora started standing on her own.









Ok, so there are soooo many more, so at this point I will stop..lol..

30 days of Me- Day 2

Day 02 - your favorite movie

This one is pretty easy, although again, I do have more than one.

1. Labyrinth, this is my all time favorite movie, I absolutely love everything about it!


2. What Dreams may come... I think it has a good message for relationships.. you can make it through hell if you love someone enough.


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3. Dogma, this movie got me through a really rough time in my life. It also brought my faith back.. as strange as that may sound.



4. Hope Floats, just because the name says it all.. keep believing, keep trying, keep hoping, and things will get better.



5. Legends of the Fall, another beautiful movie and where we got both Tristan's name, and the piano theme for our wedding. <3



There are many more movies that I like and even love, but these are my favorites..:)